I’ve been reading folks.
I’ve been reading some exciting scientific articles.
I’ve been listening to books on Audible.
I have been doing research.
Me! I’ve been doing research!
This is what I mean by taking my blog in a different direction.
Remember? I mentioned it last week.
I am going to write less about my own personal journey over the coming weeks (Aweeee… I know some of you may miss the juicy stuff. I’ll try to make it juicy once in a while, I promise). Instead, I’m going to write about my passion in healing, from the inside out. Let’s do this thing!
If you learn and use the techniques I am going to share with you, you’ll improve your health and wellness on all levels.
You will feel happier and more alive.
You will be more productive and less stressed.
I hope so.
Here’s the thing.
I LOVE learning about the mind body connection.
I love it a lot. The part I love most about learning is the potential to improve my own life and the lives of others. I love sharing my newfound knowledge with others (could be what made me a great teacher). The other thing I love about learning is using it as a tool to reinforce or validate things I already know intuitively. Yup. I like proof.
There is a constant battle inside of me between my Intellect and my Intuition.
The Intellect is a funny thing. It’s amazing in design but it can also be a pain in the butt. And mine is “over developed” as one of my mentors used to say. I always took offence to that. Ha ha ha. How could it be “over developed”? I mean, come on! I worship my Intellect. It’s fast. It’s powerful. It’s highly… well… highly developed! Ha ha ha.
Besides, in a world that seems to value intelligence and achievement above all else, my Intellect has been my best ally. It got me through University, sometimes writing essays in the middle of the night, without coffee, and handing them in the next day, all while nursing and cloth diapering my boy, making sure I ate and still, I got an “A”. It helped me raise four kids on my own, finding ways to make money that allowed me to work from home. It conspired to help me purchase not one, but two homes as a self employed single mother. It’s a show stopper. That’s my Intellect. It’s on overdrive all the time. I can count on it to do what needs to be done in half the time it takes most people. But…
It can be tiring. It can be exhausting. My Intellect is very demanding. It jabbers on ceaselessly about new ideas, unfortunate potentialities and inaccurate assumptions. Sometimes I wish it would just shut up. And over the last few years, I’ve learned how do just that. And you can, too!
What I’ve been studying, probably since shortly before my depression subsided, is the connection between the mind, the heart and the body. Actually, if I was going to be entirely honest, I have been studying this connection most of my life. I read Louis Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life for the first time when I was 17. Seventeen years old, people!! I was certainly a keener.
From a very young age, I had an awareness of how messed up my family life was with the dysfunctional parenting, addiction, disconnection and all of that. I vowed to myself I would not repeat this cycle in the life of my own child, so I started reading. Louise Hay’s book made the biggest impact in my life at that time. That book blew my mind.
It blew my mind, people.
Do you know why?
Louise Hay cured herself of cancer without traditional medical interventions.
And I’ve learned over the years, she is not the only one.
Hear me and hear me well.
I am not, under any circumstances, dissing the medical system. Are you kidding me? NO WAY! It has saved many lives, mine included. It is an amazing tool for healing. Absolutely and without a doubt. Just want to make that clear, right off the bat.
What I’ve learned over my lifetime so far, which I suppose hasn’t really been that long, but has felt like several lifetimes, is that our healing journey is significantly impacted by our thoughts, beliefs and desire to heal. Our intuitive and empowered mind, along with our compassionate and feeling heart, plays an important role in the healing journey.
Shall I say that again?
Our intuitive and empowered mind, along with our compassionate and feeling heart, plays an important role in the healing journey.
Yes. Yes. I know some of you believe this already. Some of you know that there is a mind body connection. It’s obvious. But for me, the one with the overdeveloped Intellect, as much as I know this, it’s super duper helpful when there is scientific research to prove it!
There are now new and significant scientific discoveries that demonstrate a relationship between our thoughts (and feelings) and the condition of the body. The research correlating stress and illness is at an all time high. Clinical professor of medicine at the University of Calgary, Noel B. Hershfield writes: “The new discipline of psychoneuroimmunology has now matured to the point where there is compeling evidence, advanced by scientists from many fields, that an intimate relationship exists between the brain and the immune system…” (When The Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, Gabor Mate, M.D.)
Fancy that, peeps!
It’s now being proven scientifically.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
This is kind of a big deal.
This means that we have much more power than we previously realized when it comes to healing.
This means that if you are having some challenges with your health, mental or physical, you can do something about it.
You can do something about it.
The more I read, the more it makes sense. The power of the mind over the body to create and to cure illness is becoming irrefutable. Science journalist Jo Marchant in her book The Cure details the latest scientific discoveries in this area and recounts stories of people who are being helped by cures using both the body and the mind. Cool, huh? Jo Marchant was curious about the clashing philosophies between advocates of alternative medicine and conventional scientists and doctors, so she set out on a mission to explore both sides of this heated debate. Jo questioned, “What drives so many people to believe in the pseudoscientific claims of alternative therapists, and why are skeptics so resistant to any suggestion that the mind might influence health?”
This query took her around the world. She interviewed scientists and doctors who are investigating the connection between the body and mind when in comes to healing. There is a lot of really interesting and compelling information in her book. You can read more about her discoveries here.
Okay. I’m getting off track.
I’m not here to convince you of anything.
I’m here to provide you with some worthwhile techniques to help you in your quest for a life of good health and lasting happiness.
I’m here to offer you some hope, especially if you are struggling with your health in any way.
Here’s how this information applies directly to you:
1. There is now proof that the mind (and the heart, but that’s a whole other blog post) can influence the body in many ways, and now it’s becoming apparent that the mind can radically affect a person’s health and wellbeing.
2. One of the best things you can do to assure your own lasting health and wellness is to begin working with your mind.
3. Your mind is one of the most important keys to your true peace and happiness… and your longevity, for that matter. And let’s get serious, the mind is the key to getting everything you want, for real.
Okay, Shyloe. That all sounds good. But what now?
What now? I’ll tell you what now. I’ll tell you.
Make friends with your mind.
Make your mind your friend.
Ba ha ha ha!
Sounds simple, doesn’t it.
But do not despair!
Start here. Start now.
Get to know your mind.
Make friends with it.
Don’t allow it to bully you.
Begin to form an alliance with your mind.
You and your mind.
Best Friends Forever!
Are you ready to take your healing to another level, people?
Are you ready to feel better?
Are you ready to let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back?
Sure you are.
You can do it.
You will do it.
Let’s do it together.
More on this next week.
It’s been a little while again.
Been trying to get myself to write this post for some time.
I’m not going to go over all the details of the last month, but it’s been a mixed bag. I have good days and I have days when someone asks me how I am doing and I cry. I cry in the coffee shop. I cry in the car. I cry in front of strangers. They’ve all been extremely considerate and understanding. Which has been helpful. And I realize once again what a very fortunate woman I am. I have felt so supported in this process. I was supported by a great many girlfriends and by the wonderful men in my life.
I felt nurtured and comforted regularly.
What a blessing.
This support allowed me to grieve in the way that I needed. Unfortunately, during this process, I developed a sinus cold and then a chest cold. No surprise there because guess what!?!?! The lungs are associated with grief. In Chinese medicine, the emotion of sadness affects the lungs more than any other organ. Fancy that, peeps!
Ha ha ha. Sob. Ha ha ha.
But that is enough of that now.
Onwards and upwards, as they say!
I wanted to share with you what I did for myself over the past month that helped speed my recovery from the shock and devastation of this painful experience. As far as I am concerned, the following steps could help you in any challenging situation where you feel lost, confused, hopeless, helpless and bereft.
Today, I am feeling well. I am stronger.
Much stronger. I am happier and I still feel relieved. Something about what happened set me free. It liberated me. Obviously, this means that it was exactly what needed to happen at the time. I’m not sure I understand it all yet and I may never understand it all, but I am grateful for what I’ve learned and the ways it boosted my ability to trust myself. Trusting my instincts, my intuition and that small soft voice within is now my biggest priority. I realize, more than ever, it will never steer me wrong.
So, here goes, ladies and gents!!
Shyloe’s Best Tips Ever for Surviving a Significant Loss:
1. Stop. Breathe. Feel.
Get out of your head. Stop everything you are doing and get real. Feel. Feel what is happening in your body. Do your best to breathe. Breathe through the shaking. Breathe through the anguish. Breathe through the knife in your chest.
Then, take a break. Look at the sky. Run warm water over your hands. Clean something. And then, begin again. Stop. Breathe. Feel.
2. Reach Out.
This is my biggest suggestion when it comes to processing grief and loss. This is the most crucial component to working through a big shock like the one I experienced. Reach out, ladies and gents. Reach out. Do it. What I did was call my best friend right away. I called her before I even left. I needed to talk to someone right away. I needed connection. I needed help. I needed hope. I needed to feel I was going to be okay. And if, for some unknown reason, you cannot reach out to someone you know, reach out to the heavens. Reach out and up to a Power Greater than Yourself. Reach out to Nature. Reach out to Mother Earth, but please reach out.
Seek consolation from your family and friends. Allow yourself the gift of being seen and held and helped through this crisis. And there are always crisis lines you can call as well. Do yourself a favour. Let go of the pride. Reach out.
3. Cry. A lot.
There was a long period of time in my life where I did not cry. That was really unfortunate. By the time I started crying again, I had a back up of tears that needed expression. Sometimes they would burst forth unannounced, at inconvenient moments. Sometimes I could feel them coming and it took everything not to interrupt their arrival. Crying was good and it was right. When grief comes knocking at your door, you need to cry. A lot. Cry and cry and cry. It is cleansing, restoring and healing, all at once.
4. Treat Yourself with the Utmost Tenderness.
This is a big one. In our society, treating ourselves with compassion and tenderness seems to be touted as a cop out. We need to be hard. We need to be tough. We need to keep going. Uhhhh, nope. That is not a thing. Especially and most certainly, not in the midst of grief. No way. During this time, we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves. Kindness and gentleness must prevail.
And please, do not be afraid. It will get better. You will not spend the rest of your days laying on the couch with the contents of the Kleenex box spread all over the floor around you. It will get better. It just takes time.
5. Write & Pray.
Writing out my feelings was another technique I used to move this experience through me. It really helped to express myself in this way. I journal every day and I feel it is one of the best healing tools available to us free of charge. Writing about my pain liberated me in some way. And prayer. I can’t say enough about prayer. Whether you believe or not, prayer is one of the things that can bring you peace. Do it. Just because I said so
And that’s it, ladies and gents!
Time for a different kind of blog.
Time for some practical information about how to get from here to there.
Time to take this whole show up a notch!
What do you think?
I’ll be back soon.
It’s been 3 weeks and 3 days since The Big Surprise.
Or perhaps, since The Big Devastation. Ha ha ha. Sob. I guess that’s not really that funny, is it? Or maybe it is. If I don’t find some humour in this whole thing then it would be much harder to manage. That’s for sure.
I have been putting this off.
I haven’t written in a while mostly because I didn’t want to go on and on about this experience. There is only so much processing a person can do in front of the world and besides, I imagine it gets pretty old after a while.
It’s quite a common experience it seems.
I had women approach me privately to share something similar. They were devastated by the degree of deception they had endured at the hands of their love interest. It seems that deception is one of the things we’ve all been subjected to in our quest for true love. And, it also seems that each one of these women had some kind of gut feeling about this deception. They knew on some level that it was going on, but could not prove it. They dismissed it as an impossibility or as evidence of their lack of trust in men. Interesting. I find that fascinating, actually.
What of that?
How is it we are so willing to dismiss our gut feelings?
How is it we are not taught to trust ourselves above all else?
This is very important.
This is a matter of life and death, it seems to me.
Intuition. Instinct. Gut feelings.
How many of us, men & women alike, could have saved ourselves from a nasty relationship, a terrible work situation, a fatal illness, even death, if we just listened to that inner voice?
Something to think about, people.
Something to think about.
I wasn’t planning on writing about instinct and intuition in this blog post. I was going to write about the choices I made and the things I did to get myself to a place of wellness in a such a short period of time after such a huge loss.
But here we are.
And maybe this is the biggest lesson of the day.
The biggest lesson of the day, for me and for you.
You all know I mentioned this in earlier blog posts. My fears and my suspicions about Motorcycle man. I described how I was worried he was a “Liar Liar Pants on Fire” from the beginning. I never suspected he was a “Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater”, too. Nothing against those that eat pumpkin. I eat pumpkin. I like it. A lot. It’s a good vegetable with a ton of vitamins. Or is it a fruit? Did I hear somewhere that all squash are actually fruit?
Okay, now I’m getting off track.
Bottom line. My fears and suspicions started shortly after we met. The amount of time he told me he was apart from his wife differed from one discussion to the next by 6 months. This may seem negligible to most, and maybe if he was a different man it wouldn’t have evoked such a strong reaction in me. However, I guess because this was the first teeny tiny clue of his ability to bend reality to his whim, my belly reacted.
I also had a very clear dream after our first weekend together. I’m not sure if it was a dream or a premonition or the ability to see under the surface. But what I saw, I did not like. It was dark and full of lies. So, I questioned Motorcycle man about something he told me regarding a drum he had built himself. Something seemed off. And then, I apologized. I apologized because he had never given me any reason not to trust him.
Except for the full on uncomfortable gut feeling I had in my belly.
Very very interesting.
And in the end, my belly was right.
So, my question to you is this:
How do you trust your innate wisdom, your inner guidance, your instinct above all else?
And I am asking myself that same question.
I am asking myself that same question.
There is one thing I have learned in all of this.
The body never lies.
The body never lies.
The mind is full of lies.
It will take you for a ride any chance it can get.
But the body does what the body does.
And I felt a visceral reaction to Motorcycle man.
And instead of following the guidance of my belly, I chose to trust.
And maybe that was EXACTLY what I needed to do in that moment.
And maybe that was EXACTLY what I needed to do to learn this lesson.
To fully integrate this truth.
The body never lies.
I will now default to that truth in all circumstances, even when it doesn’t make sense.
Even when my eyes and ears tell me a different story.
Even when my mind is doing what my mind does.
I will trust in myself. In my belly. In my innate wisdom.
I will trust.
I will trust.
I will trust in me.
Progress not perfection, right folks?
That’s what this journey is all about.
Much love to you all,
And now, I am angry.
Now, after driving around entirely distracted, having a hard time concentrating on the road, on the vehicles, on the flow of traffic, I am angry. I am furious, in fact. Well, maybe not furious, but I am seriously perturbed. Not in relation to me and my loss in all of this, but in relation to my children, and their loss.
Well, I can tell you right now I am not going to be available to them in the way they will need me when I get home. I am disorganized. I am disjointed. I am disconnected. I am unable to function at the same capacity I could a week ago when I arrived in Saskatchewan.
I am lost.
And that, that is unforgivable, in my opinion.
You know why?
I’ll tell you why.
Because that is going to affect my kids.
It is going to have a negative impact on their lives.
And that is inexcusable.
You can mess with me, Motorcycle man, but you cannot mess with my kids.
Do you remember when you insisted on coming for a visit for Christmas? Do you remember how you were so angry because I had a very clear boundary that you could not spend time with us during this sacred holiday? Do you remember how I explained to you that it was irresponsible of me to invite you into their lives, if I did not know the full extent of your commitment to me?
Do you remember that, motorcycle man?
But you insisted. And you assured me.
Do you remember how important it was to you to meet my children? Do you remember how I conceded on you coming for a visit over New Year’s? Do you remember how in the end you were not particularly interested in booking a flight over a time period that you had not chosen?
Do you remember that, motorcycle man?
I remember it all.
I probably remember it better than you, in fact, because I wasn’t trying to keep track of the details of several different overlapping lives.
And I’m sorry about this. I imagine this short rant is bringing up feelings of shame and low self worth. Feelings of self pity and victimhood. But, it must be said. It must be said. I have to let it out. It is the truth.
You can mess with me, Motorcycle man, but you cannot mess with my kids.
I am angry because my children’s mother is suffering. She is not able to think clearly. She is not able to concentrate. She is tired and forlorn. She is broken.
I am broken.
I have done a lot of laying around over the past week. A lot of laying around coupled with sobbing and staring. This event clouded my son’s 16th birthday party. It affected my interactions with my friends and family. It impacted my sessions with clients.
And now, when I go home to my girls, it will continue to wreak havoc in our lives. Most likely, I won’t have the energy to make meals. Most likely, I won’t have the focus to help with homework. Most likely, I won’t be able to engage in dance duty or any of the other requirements of motherhood because I can barely take care of myself. I can barely take care of myself. Do you hear me?
All I want to do is sleep. That’s it. That is it.
And why is that?
Because someone I love chose fear and darkness over love and light. Wow.
I know. I know. Addicts are powerless over their addiction. I get it. Sure. Sure. Sure. But we are all grown ups here. We have responsibilities. We have choices. We even have experience, strength and hope with the help of a 12 step program. A program dedicated to rigorous honesty.
Without which there is no fighting chance.
I am so angry.
The love of my life chose fear, greed and destruction. He tore down the sacred shrine I had built to our love. He defiled me.
I am angry my children will suffer as a result. They will be the innocent victims of this demise. That is not fair. That is not right. That is something I vowed I would not permit.
You can mess with me, Motorcycle man, but you cannot mess with my kids.
Without malicious intent.
May you find healing, Motorcycle man. May you be blessed with exactly what you need to bleed this darkness from your soul. May you & I both.
The truth shall set us free.
The truth shall set us both free.
I love you. That’s it. That’s all.
Over & out now, for reals.
Dear Motorcycle Man,
I would have preferred to use your real name, but I want to keep a measure of anonymity. I still want to protect you somehow. Why? I have no idea. I should want to expose you for all the devastation your actions have caused. I should want to call you out in public, run your name through the muck, burn your belongings, especially the chaps I took by mistake, thinking they were mine. I should want to do all of that, but I won’t. At least, not yet, I won’t.
Because I am gutted.
Because I am in excruciating pain.
Because I love you.
Even with all of this, I love you.
Because what I felt for you is real. And I cannot shut it off just like that.
I loved you from the beginning. That is why this is so hard.
I also suspected you were a liar from the beginning. That is why this is so hard.
Do you remember? Do you remember the horrible nightmare I had after we spent our first few life-altering days together? Do you remember my questions? My inquiries? My apology for being suspicious?
Do you remember accepting that apology?
Do you remember accepting that apology?
Well, I guess my body knew what my mind could not reconcile.
I did not want to let go of what we shared together. I did not want to believe that you could lie to me. I wanted so badly to trust in what you said about the importance of honesty in your quest for wellbeing. I wanted to trust you. I wanted to ride off into the sunset together.
But, I guess that’s not a thing.
And I guess you’ve been fooling around on me since the beginning.
And I guess you’ve been like this for quite some time. Right, baby?
Don’t try to deny it, babe. It just makes things worse. I can see, remember?
I can see you.
That’s why I was so mad about the Medicine Card reading. That’s why I was upset about it. That’s why I wanted to control it. That’s why I secretly wanted to do it again.
Because all of the cards I picked reinforced my unique abilities to detect the truth and to see under the surface. That was not what I wanted to hear. When I read the meaning of each card, my thoughts immediately went to the fact that maybe all of my fears about you were true. I was so afraid. I was shaken. But, I couldn’t believe it. How could that even be possible? How? There were so many things about you that seemed to contradict that reality.
I did what I could to check in with you. I went over my instincts with my girlfriends. I asked you hard questions. I asked myself hard questions. In the end, I made a decision to trust you because you had given me no reason not to do so. It seemed the only source of my unrest was an underlying feeling that you were a ‘Liar Liar Pants on Fire’. And you assured me you were not. Not under any circumstances.
How could I have been so naive?
How could I have denied my own truth?
Well, there are many reasons.
One – I was in love with you. I loved you. I love you. I still love you. Sigh.
Two – I have never had a relationship where I allowed myself to fall so deeply in love.
I have carried so much fear about deception and abandonment for so many years. I thought that what I was experiencing was simply a resistance to this new adventure, this new deep deep love. Boy, was I wrong.
Three – I was afraid. I was afraid it was true, and if so, what that meant about you and I.
What a sad sad story. What a sad sad story indeed.
There has been deception from the very beginning, on both our parts, it seems.
I am truly broken hearted. Severely depressed, despairing and disheartened.
And I imagine you are much the same.
Baby, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts like no other love lost in my entire life.
And you need help.
I don’t say this lightly. You need MAJOR help. Everything I discovered and detected was validated, and the implications of what it all means, is pretty darn big. And in case you haven’t figured it out, understatements are my thing. I’m not sure you’ve noticed. So, when I say it is pretty big, what I mean is immense, monumental, gigantic, monstrous, colossal, gargantuan, behemothic, etc, etc, etc.
Big fat sigh.
So, dear love, in order to make amends, as you’ve suggested, you need to get well.
You need to get well. That would be the best amend possible you could make to me. And it’s going to be a rigorous and extended process. Do you remember when I shared that I spent 10 years wading through the mire of the wreckage of my past? Do you remember that? Well, I didn’t have an addiction, nor did I bathe in the absolution of deception. So yeah. It may be a while before you are able to truly repair and right some of your wrongs.
But, baby, if not now, then when?
I know you are listening. And I know somewhere inside, you know I am right.
You know the truth.
You know the truth or you would never have gotten mixed up with a chick like me.
And baby, I imagine there is all kinds of pain, anger, shame, blame, fear and more inside of you. You wouldn’t have been able to do what you did to me, and to you, without it. It’s like a parasitic disease has taken over your entire being. It’s perpetuating your current state, but underneath it all the true and valiant, brave and loving Motorcycle man resides. He is in there, but this parasite has a hold of you. It’s distorted your sense of self and your perception of the world.
I don’t know why I am writing this, Motorcycle man. I don’t have any idea. The only thing I can think is that I have to say something. I have to say something because if all of this is for naught, then that would be very very unfortunate. If all of my pain does not incite change in both you and in me, well, that would be more sadness on top of the sadness in which we are both drowning at the moment.
I have such a deep compassion for you right now.
A deep compassion.
Because I see you. And I get the struggles of addiction. And I get that you didn’t do this to me, so much as you did it to yourself.
I get it, but right now, it doesn’t make me feel any better.
Part of me hates you, along with loving you. The pain this is causing me is actually making me physically ill. I am sick right now. I am tired. I am without direction.
That was not right. It is not the way you treat the woman you are planning to marry.
This is not acceptable. It is awful and inconsiderate and self centered and disrepectful and degrading. I feel entirely betrayed.
I feel entirely betrayed.
And I don’t like that.
So, yes. I won’t be contacting you again. That is not something I feel would be in my highest and greatest good. I have to take care of myself now. Something that in my dream world I was hoping you could lend a hand at one day. But, alas, no such luck. No such luck.
I am so sad.
And I so wish it could be another way.
That is the hardest part. Along with the shock and deception of it all.
I am not okay, but I will be okay one day.
And as I told my mom on Sunday,
“You win some, you lose some, mom. That’s how it is in life. And in this case, as much as it feels like a loss, I think in reality, it’s a win. A big win.”
Good bye, Motorcycle man.
The truth shall set you free.
ps – I discovered why you called me baby from the very beginning, Motorcycle man. So you wouldn’t ever mix up the names, right? Of course. Don’t try to deny it. Ha ha ha. In the entire time we were together, you said my name aloud maybe 6 times. Three of which were Thursday night, when I asked that you repeat what you were saying, “Honestly, Shyloe…”, please say it again, “Honestly, Shyloe…” one more time, I don’t often hear you say my name, “Honestly, Shyloe…”. Sigh. Oh well.