So, my iPhone 6 turned itself off last week on Tuesday.
It’s not the first time this happened.
It’s happened a few times since I got a replacement using my AppleCare warranty in December. It wasn’t happening enough for me to do anything about it, but now I wish I had because my phone is dead. And I didn’t back it up, either. That’s it. It’s over.
Ha ha ha
And my AppleCare warranty is over, too.
And guess what?!?! My phone has a whole bunch of interesting photos, text messages and notes on it that are most likely history now. Not the kind of history you remember and write books about, but the kind of history that is completely forgotten, now and forevermore.
Ba ha ha ha
I guess really and truly this is not a big deal.
Who cares about the ridiculously obnoxious quotes my son has made over the last two years?
Who cares about the texts from Motorcycle Man or more recently, from my old love?
Who cares about the photos of me in the tub with my kitten climbing on my shoulder like a parrot?
Well, I suppose I do, sort of…
It’s been interesting not having access to everyone and everything over the past week. I can’t say exactly how I’ve felt about it. There have been many times when I felt a little lost not having something to distract myself in brief moments of solitude while waiting for the ferry or in a line up or at a restaurant.
What do I do?
Well, what did I do before I had a cell phone?
I read a book.
I looked out the window.
I made conversation.
I thought about my future.
I dreamt of a potential romantic partner.
There are many choices.
The biggest thing I noticed over the past week was I felt much more relaxed.
Much. More. Relaxed.
I wasn’t on call all day long. No one could get a hold of me when I was out. I couldn’t respond to attempts at connection because I didn’t know they were happening. It was so different. I had forgotten what it felt like to own my own day.
I OWNED MY OWN DAYS OVER THE PAST WEEK!
They were fully mine!
They belonged TO ME!
I interrupted the day on my own terms! I didn’t hear a ping that took me out of a meal or an interesting (or not so interesting) conversation. I wasn’t taking photos of everything I ate or selfies of myself in front of some beautiful landscape. I wasn’t scrolling my newsfeed on Facebook in my spare time.
My life was in the here and now and no one stopped me from being fully present to that.
And now comes the dilemma.
Do I get my iPhone 6 repaired? Do I go back to using my iPhone 4? Do I choose a “dumb phone”, like an old skool flip phone, instead?
I know which choice I would prefer.
I know which choice would continue to support me in my new found liberation.
But I’m not sure it’s the one I will choose.
In some ways, I wish I could go back to a time without cell phones. It seems like real life connection was easier and much more valued back then. Being face to face or talking over the phone with someone was of real value. Now, both of those experiences are disrupted by texts pinging, emails coming in, Facebook notifications and more. That makes me sad.
What are we doing?
How is it responding to someone who ISN’T EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM is more important than devoting your full attention to a friend or family member?
And I am not saying I am not guilty of this… that’s one of the reasons why I want to continue to have a hiatus from all of that noise. I want to feel my body moving and being fully aware and available to the space I am in at the time. I like it. A lot.
So, what do y’all think?
Where do you stand on the whole cell phone thing?
What would it take for you to take a break from your phone for a week?
Just wondering out loud.
How many of you could spend a week without your phone?
Food for thought, people.
I dreamt of my old love last night.
I’m not really sure what’s going on.
He’s been on my mind virtually non stop over the past week. Sigh. I’m not sure how much I like that. Maybe it’s because he & I are coming up to an anniversary of sorts. Two years ago, this past weekend, we broke up. We broke up over text and over the phone while I was at the Jazz Festival in Kaslo and he was back home. That was not exactly ideal.
Not exactly ideal because of how traumatic the entire experience was for both of us. I won’t go into specifics here, but let’s just say it is a weekend neither of us will forget for the rest of our lives. It was life altering for us both.
So, he’s been on my mind. A lot.
In fact, all I want to do is call him, text him and send him pictures. Picture of what, you may wonder? Of me looking hot, of course, cause I’m cheeky like that. Ha ha ha. I’ve been wishing we could spend some time together. I’ve been dreaming of the two of us attending the festival together next year.
What the heck is going on???
Am I losing my mind???
Okay. Hold on.
Back to the dream.
Last night, I dreamt my old love and I were spending some time together. I was sitting next to him at a large dining table about to eat a meal. He was on my right. There were several other people at this table. When I look back on the dream, I can’t tell if it these people are friends and family or strangers, but it felt really busy. There was no familiarity about it, so I think they were strangers, to me, at least.
When I happened to glance at my old love’s phone, I noticed he had a photograph of himself and “new girl”on the lock screen. In the photo, they were kissing laying down in a lover’s embrace. I was taken aback. That made me feel so sad. I hated it. It was awful.
It was awful mostly because, well, in the real world, we’ve been sporadically texting. My old love shared that he and “new girl” have decided to part ways. Yipeeeee!! Maybe I shouldn’t be so openly happy about that. Ha ha ha. Anyway, as a result, in the dream, I immediately challenged him on the picture.
He changed it right away.
However, he changed it to an image of the two of them again. Yuck. It was a picture taken from behind. My old love and “new girl” were standing side by side looking away from the camera. There was a space between the two of them. They were looking out into a vast unknown. It was a beautiful landscape in front of them. Again, I felt sad and even a wee bit mad.
Then, I woke up.
I thought about the dream, quite a bit. I wanted to change it. I wanted to make it different. To be entirely truthful, I wanted it to be a picture of me & my old love on that phone.
Bottom line, I think it was very honest.
It was entirely accurate, I suppose.
In fact, I think that dream was a sign.
Have I used that line before?
I think it was a sign.
I seem to think so. Ha ha ha.
Last weekend, my old love reached out to me via text. He was kayaking a cluster of lakes and shoring up to visit local attractions. When I received his text I was initially excited to hear from him. It made me feel happy he was thinking of me and when we did something similar about 2 years ago. Then, I was mad. I was mad because I thought he was texting me while hanging out with “new girl”. I was so angry. I didn’t respond until the evening when he texted me again.
When I did reply, I told him how I was feeling. He assured me he was on his own. Apparently, she didn’t want to join him. I felt so confused. Why was he asking “new girl” to join him on a weekend getaway when he shared earlier that they’ve decided they are going to part ways? That’s dumb.
Of course, I told him what I thought. I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise. I could see his motives quite clearly. He agreed with what I shared and then, we decided not to communicate until they’ve managed to fully separate. They are tied together as a result of mutual investments and various other joint ventures. It’s going to take some time to unravel the whole show.
I don’t like that. Not one single bit.
But, I don’t want to communicate in secret either.
That doesn’t feel right to me.
So, no contact is the right thing to do, for now.
That said, Friday evening after spending the day at the music festival, I sent one single solitary text that simply said “How much longer?”
And I guess it’s going to take the rest of the summer and maybe into September.
Why? Why so long?
And why? Why is this bothering me so much?
What is going on!?!?!!!
Who cares? Why can’t I just let it all go?
I had no idea that I would EVER want to spend time with this man ever again.
Not like this.
This is such a surprise to me. Such a surprise.
Every day, I just really want to hang out with him. I want to talk to him, share my day with him, cuddle with him, take dancing lessons with him, make him some food, go for a bike ride and hike with him, have fun with him… And yes, I know I added “with him” over and over again to all of the things I want to do. I did that on purpose. I did that because it’s very clear to me that I want to do those things WITH HIM, not with anyone else.
This so fascinating to me.
And now, because he opted into my webinar last month, he may actually read this entry, which adds a whole other level of complication for me because I don’t know how I feel about him knowing how much I want to spend time with him.
The best I can do at this point is to let all of this go.
Let. It. Go.
There is nothing I can do.
I can’t rush whatever process he and “new girl” have to go through to amicably dismantle the world they built together in their time as a couple. That would be entirely selfish. That’s not my place. That process is important to both of them and to me as a result. Because I love this man, I am committed to honouring his needs as he lets go of this significant relationship.
That means turning this entire situation over to God, including my strangely strong feelings about him at the moment.
And so I will do just that.
Stop trying to control something I have no business trying to control.
I will be at peace with whatever picture he has on the lock screen of his phone. I will breathe into the image of him & his lover facing away from the camera, staring out into the unknown. I will recognize that they are still in relationship until they truly part company.
I will accept the fact that I am loving this man in a way that I don’t understand right now. I am loving this man in a way that I actually find that quite scary. Yup. That hits home.
Truth be told, I want him back in my life. Right now.
Which seems so strange to me.
So, I am going to practice some acceptance.
I will accept that is something I cannot have at the moment.
I will accept that this may be something I cannot have at all.
Who knows what the future will bring?
It’s funny how life works.
Me wanting my old love back, who would have known that?
As a friend… or as a lover…?
At this point, I have don’t know.
I have no idea at all.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Oh my Shyloe…
That’s it for now
Much love to you all,
ps – I feel a little sick sharing all of this. But, I guess it’s out there now.
Sitting in Chai Baba this morning…
waiting for one of my favourite drinks, I pulled a Wisdom for Healing Card from a deck created by Carolin Myss. If you have never heard of Carolin Myss, she is amazing. She has written several books and is an international speaker. She is full of good advice and life altering perspectives.
The card that I pulled from this deck simply said:
“See God In All Things”
And then, I started to cry.
Well, because something about this card had me slow down inside, reconnect with myself and then, begin to feel a wellspring of gratitude in my chest.
I am so grateful.
I am so grateful to be here.
And for a brief moment, I connected with the fortune and abundance of being alive.
I’ve been struggling, people.
I’ve been struggling off and on these past 9 months.
I’m going to admit it.
Building a coaching business without a back up plan, spouse, savings or a real “tangible” result to sell has been, well, a stretch.
Quite a bit of a stretch.
I am doing it.
I AM DOING IT!
Part of my business is building relationships with people, putting my own journey on display and sharing from my open & vulnerable heart. This is easy for me, most of the time, because it’s what I’ve been doing for years. It’s part of who I am. In a lot of ways, I am my business. My business is me.
Recently, I finished a total of 9 months with my business coach and surprisingly, I’ve chosen not to re-enrol. That was a very difficult decision for me because I feel like I’ve learned a great deal from her. I really really enjoyed the support and the accountability. And I wondered if not entering into our partnership once again was a way for me to sabotage myself this journey.
And how I didn’t trust my own inner knowing.
I didn’t have it in me to re-commit and re-invest. It just didn’t feel right. And instead of worrying about whether or not I was giving into my fears, I decided to trust myself.
And take a break from receiving coaching.
Because people, I want to take time to take in all the amazing things I have done over the last 9 months, without rushing to the next level. I want to breathe a sigh of relief and celebrate this immense success!
Because, like I already said, I am doing it!
I AM DOING IT!
That’s awesome. Right?
One of the things I have found so surprising on this journey is my inability to recognize my own accomplishments.
I am always in such a rush to get to the next level, that I barely take in what I have done so far. This is not the best way to move forward powerfully. This is a recipe for burn out.
And I am all too familiar with burn out.
Taking time out to celebrate is something I teach my clients. And as such, it is something I’ve begun to take more seriously.
I need to sit back and relish in all that I have accomplished.
I need to give myself a pat on the back.
A lot of pats on the back, actually.
Especially, since I made a promise to myself years ago that I would stay at home with my children while they were growing up. No matter what. And I have done exactly that.
It’s been 20 years since the birth of my second child. This means it’s been 20 years since I’ve been at home full time caring for my children and managing an household. And 14 years of that has been as a single mother.
Did you hear me?
I have been working from home, so that I could be at home with my kids, as a single mama, for the last 14 years.
I am so proud of myself.
I am so proud of me.
I worked my little (okay let’s be honest, it’s not that little) tushie off and I did it!
Is that not cause for celebration?
Along with speaking in front of audiences ranging from 6 – 120 attendess, moving to another home, successfully enrolling a pretty decent amount of clients, standing up for myself and leaving someone who was not able to respect & value me because he did not respect or value himself, writing a weekly blog and doing my first webinar, twice, all while tending to the needs of my 13 year old and my 20 year old over the last 9 months?
I think it’s time to…
Including the bounty and success of my own life.
Because without a relationship with a Higher Power, none of this would have been possible.
None of it.
And I mean a Higher Power of my own understanding, not the traditional God of our parents and grandparents.
My God flows through all of creation, including me
So yes, Carolin Myss, I am going to…
And that is what I am doing, right here, right now.
Thanks so much for listening.
I hope you are all able to slow down and see the gifts in your own lives, and in YOU.
I am so very grateful to be here.
Much love, Shyloe
What’s up over here?
Well, lots, actually.
I am pretty dang busy with a few fun work related projects, some of which I shared in my last blog post. I’m so excited about my weekly talk show and, I have a free live webinar coming up on Tuesday. Things are getting serious, folks! I AM SO EXCITED!!!
You can check out the show here:
And here is the link to the webinar registration!!
Have you been struggling with balancing your mind with the wisdom of your heart?
Perhaps you feel like you need to reconnect with a part of you that you lost long ago?
Are you in the middle of a health crisis wondering how to maximize your healing efforts from an emotional and soulful perspective?
If you answered yes to any of those questions or if you are simply curious…
Register NOW for Beyond Kale: 3 Powerful Keys to Healing Using Your Heart and Mind
Tuesday, June 25th @ 9am Pacific!
You’ll be happy you did
But I wasn’t as excited about all of this last week.
I was feeling kind of bummed out this past week. I felt lonely as I moved through my daily activities in Kelowna. I thought about my old love several times wishing he could come for a bike ride or a hike with me. But, alas, he has his own work to do with “new girl”, so I let it alone.
Then I went for coffee with someone new.
I talked about my discontent and shared about my deep desire for connection & community.
And after listening to me and observing the random run in I experienced with a good friend downtown who embraced me like a family member in the street, this new friend suggested perhaps I had a lot more to be grateful for than I realized.
Ha ha ha
Now, that was funny.
It stopped me dead in my tracks.
It was almost like a complete reset.
Something so simple, I hadn’t even considered it.
I needed a change in perspective.
And thank goodness I had someone reflect that back to me!
I have been shining the light on things that I am grateful for ever since… well, since Friday, anyway.
Here is my list
Early morning 20km bike ride
Tea with Lindsay at Chai Baba
An hour walk downtown
Seeing Donna and getting the biggest hug EVER
Relaxing almost all afternoon & evening Friday (which felt sooooo good)
Hanging out with my youngest daughter
Listening to my eldest daughter have a pretty serious rant
Going to bed early
Hiking Knox and meeting up with an old friend
Working at The Marmalade Cat Cafe (biking to & from work)
A daisy in the drain in the bathroom sink of the cafe
My kitten who can amuse herself for hours independently
Chilling out in the evening
Having a bath
Going to bed early (funny how this is a highlight two days in a row)
Early morning 20km bike ride
Real Lives. Real People. with Shyloe talk show
Impromptu invite to the beach (2 Sundays in a row, now… with a gentleman… who packed me snacks and water!)
Floating on the lake for 2 hours with an entertaining companion
Relaxing at home
Promoting my webinar & writing my blog
There is a lot there and I imagine I am forgetting some things, too. Like being thankful for popsicles and cheese & crackers. How about the fact that just as we were coming in from floating on the lake, the wind came up and pushed us to shore? Or even being thankful for the wind, as it has been stinking hot here?
As a coach I recommend gratitude as a great tool to get out of a funk. It’s actually scientifically proven happiness tool. So, yeah. Maybe I needed a little reminder is all.
All of this to say that I am feeling pretty darn good and pretty darn grateful at the moment and I am hoping you are, too.
If not, maybe a little gratitude is in order.
It’s actually a thing, people.
It works, if you work it.
What are you grateful for?
So, I did something rather risky this past week.
It scared me and it was somewhat exhilarating.
I sent a letter in the mail to my first love.
Even writing that has me feeling butterflies in my tummy!
I sent a snail mail letter to the boy who is biologically linked* to my firstborn son. I suppose he isn’t a boy anymore. I haven’t seen him in 25 years.
We emailed back and forth a few years ago for a very short while. I reached out and reconnected with him in an effort to better understand the child who carries half of his DNA. Neither he, nor my son, was interested in getting to know one another, or so it seemed. And knowing these two as well as I do, most likely they will both wait for the other one to make the first move. I imagine it’s quite possible neither of them will take that first step forward. Ha ha ha. Such is life.
So, why the letter? Why now?
While working with my own Life/Business/Relationship/You Name It Coach, we have been clearing out the old in order to usher in the new. We did a family constellation together which happened to include this boy, or rather, this man. After clearing some of the other participants in this particular constellation, my coach tapped into my energy field as I looked at my first love.
I was not prepared in any way, shape or form for what was to come next.
She shared that she could feel how much I still love this man. I had never stopped loving him, in fact.
As she asserted what she felt, I burst into tears.
Oh my! It was a torrent of tears.
It was true! It was so very true!!
I could feel it inside!
How could that be?
How could I still love this man after all these years?
How could I love a man who hasn’t made any effort at all to see his own child, his own flesh and blood?
But it was true.
And it felt like high treason.
I didn’t want it to be true. I haven’t wanted it to be true all these years.
How? How could I?
But. I did. And I do. I still love this man.
Ahhhhh… the heart.
My sweet & tender heart.
Why wouldn’t I still love him?
Love cannot be turned off like that. If so, it is not real love. Not in my experience. It is lust or something else that I don’t really understand.
Love just is.
It is everlasting.
And what I am learning about myself is that when I truly love someone, that doesn’t ever go away. They live in my heart forever. So bittersweet.
Then, when she tapped into this man’s energy field, my coach sensed that our break up was a shock for him. He thought we loved each other. Which we did. Absolutely. Undeniably. He was so confused when I left him. She also sensed that perhaps this shock was still affecting him to this very day. He was still in shock on some level. Maybe on some deep level of which he was not even aware.
All probably true.
My breaking it off two months after I got pregnant would have been a shock, most likely. Obviously, Shyloe. That is not typically how it goes where there is teen pregnancy involved. That is not the norm. Usually, the boy leaves the girl. But in this instance, I left him. I felt like it was the best thing to do at the time.
We had been together for over a year. We were planning on getting married as soon as I was old enough. We continued to have that same plan even after I became pregnant.
But, once that baby was in my belly, my priorities shifted. Radically. I needed to take this whole thing seriously if I was going to be a good mama & provide for my child. I also needed someone strong & centered who had his life together. Ha ha ha
Yeah. That might have been pretty high expectations to have of an 18 year old boy.
But, there you have it.
Me and my high expectations. Ba ha ha ha
I was concerned about having a solid and stable future within the dynamics of our relationship and I broke it off. I stopped all contact and refuted his efforts to connect afterwards. At the time, I had an uncanny ability to shut my feelings off. Just. Like. That. It was a though I used to use some kind of imaginary scissors to simply snip someone out of my life. Forever. I did the same thing with my own father. For good reason, mind you. But, DAMN, that was hard.
I guess it was a coping mechanism I developed in order to protect myself from the constant barrage of trauma and emotional abandonment that were my formative years.
It hurts to write this.
And I am in Bean Scene downtown.
And I am crying again.
The show yesterday was all about forgiveness. And boy, I can sure see how I need that in my life. Right here. Right now.
Sometimes Earth School hurts, people.
As much as I do a great job at this whole thing we call living, I still have things inside of me that need to be brought to the light.
And this was one of them.
So, I sent my first love a letter.
First, I sent him a really brief email to which there was no response.
It went something like this:
Subject: I’m getting old. And this is so out of the blue. But here it is…
I need to tell you that I’ve never stopped loving you.
To the point.
And honestly, it was kind of funny.
I didn’t hear back, though.
So, I waited. Just in case. Then, because I didn’t hear back, I decided to send him something more.
Here it is in bits and pieces:
Subject: So, I imagine you…
So, I imagine you don’t often, if ever, use this email address anymore.
I seem to remember you saying that it’s an old one and you rarely check it. Well, I suppose that bodes well for me because then, my true confessions won’t be discovered for years… or maybe ever!
Ha ha ha.
******* ***** **********, when I realized the other day that I had never stopped loving you, I broke down in tears. What a surprise! I had no idea. And, who would have thought that could even be a thing! Especially, after 26 years! But the heart, well, it is not limited by time. So yeah.
Breaking it off with you was an act I did out of fear. It was a desperate attempt at survival. I realize now, it must have been quite a shock. And I apologize for that. I am sorry. I am sorry for how that may have affected you, how it may still be affecting you.
But, the heart knows nothing of such trivial matters. It only knows love. And ******* ***** **********, I never stopped loving you. You were my first love. You were my first love. Yes. I know I wrote that twice.
It feels so very good to finally say all of that. To finally articulate it. Thank you.
I imagine you are happily married. And I imagine you may even have children of your own. And I am happy for you. I truly am. I am not suggesting we get back together. I only want to share with you what I am feeling in an effort to heal. I want healing for us both. That is all. I know I will be a-okay loving you & letting go. That’s the way it is in Earth School. Things don’t always go the way we plan. And I am learning to be okay with that.
I wish the very best for you.
Just know, you occupy a very special place in my heart. It seems we will always be connected as a result.
That’s it. That’s all.
Take good loving care,
I thought that would be the last of it. I would send this email and I would move on. But, somewhere inside of me I guess I was hoping he would read it. And when I didn’t hear back after a month or so, I decided I would sent him a hard copy of the above email in the mail! Just like back in the old days!!
Wow. Actual mail. So comical.
So, I looked him up on the internet and couldn’t find any address for him independently of his mother.
So, I sent this letter TO HIS MOTHER!
BA HA HA HA HA.
I can’t even imagine how that’s going to go over. I hope he gets it. Ha ha ha.
And now, I will let it go.
Because I have made 3 attempts: 2 emails and an actual letter in the mail.
And that is that.
Who knows what will come of this but I am happy I’ve expressed myself, if only to myself.
I’m not sure about all of this. I’m not sure about it at all.
This is me fumbling towards some semblance of grace, people. As usual.
But I do love this man. I don’t fully understand it, but I know it. And if he truly is still in shock, even if it’s on a level he doesn’t realize or recognize, it would be great to help him. It would be great to clear out our common energetic ties around this. Sigh. This man, he lives in me still. I suppose I held his DNA in my body for 9 full months. Of course, he lives in me. And it would be good to let go of this now. Fully & completely.
Big. Fat. Sigh.
Thanks for listening folks.
I appreciate it. And I hope something has stirred you into taking that one step you need to take in order to clear out something from your own past.
May peace be with you.
*I will not use the word father in this instance. I feel like it would be disrespectful to the man who is truly my son’s father. The man who has raised him with me for the last 25 years. This man is a beautiful man and I am grateful for the stellar example of fatherhood he sets for all my children.